Monday, December 27, 2021

Taking Care of Your Kid and Teaching Your Kid are Two Very Different Jobs

We are nannies, teachers, chefs, coaches, doctors, pharmacists, custodians, historians, storytellers, orators, photographers, chauffeurs, craftsmen, seamstresses, and so much more. We are parents of guardians. We have to do a little of everything and some days are filled with more practicing professions than others. We also don't need to be good at all of these things, just good enough, for our time, place, and culture. 

This is how I wanted to start. To me, most of the above tasks have a combination of taking care of children and teaching them how to take care of themselves. Those are very different aspects to full tasks. For example, I am taking care of my child by making him a grilled cheese sandwich, but I am teaching my child when I am instructing him to get two pieces of bread out of the bread bag, and one piece of cheese from the refrigerator.   

And let me tell you, I get so many comments and suggestions that seem to revolve around just teaching. And to be honest, many of the resources that have helped me be a parent are those that are recommended for teachers and produced by experts in the education industry. And I am here to say, that as a parent, most tasks when kids are young include a combination of the two until they kids are fully self-sufficient in something, like eating with a spoon by themselves. Until good spoon to mouth coordination is developed, I am cleaning up spills left and right. 

So if some days momming or parenting seems too hard, it's because it is. You might be doing the same routine, doing the same thing, but one day, your child will be becoming more self-sufficient in something and will require you to be so many different experts in one body, in one parent or guardian.  

Sunday, December 26, 2021

How Gentle Parenting Changed Me

 I am used to critical or malicious interactions being mistaken for “tough love.” 

And at first it seemed like my tough love upbringing paid off. I got awards, scholarships, stayed out of trouble, and was self-motivated and self-reliant. But there was a dark side to all of those “good on paper” achievements. Emotionally unhealthy situations were not a red flag as they should be each and every time. And I did not learn to be assertive until my mid-twenties. 

Now as a parent myself, I dove into gentle parenting methods, different early childhood education techniques, healthy discipline techniques, I must have listened to countless podcasts, read books and articles, and am constantly trying to provide a reality for my family that makes emotionally healthy households. It takes a village and lots of resources, only then does it become a choice. 

And it changed me for the better. In a way that’s better than I ever imagined. I started being gentle on myself. 

I realized my inner voice and inner monologue that I reserved for myself echoed emotional abuse and devaluing. Talk about bad boundaries. 

And that voice was definitely not good enough for my children. I developed a gentle parenting voice, with reason, concrete examples, and logic. This voice breathed in and exhaled slowly instead of getting angry. Is this my permanent voice? No. I sometimes regret speaking with fear instead of the tools above. So it’s a journey, but one that I’m happy with right now. 

This new mom voice is now how I’m starting to talk to myself in the inner monologue too. I’m being gentle because the previous voice wasn’t doing any good for me. This new inner voice reminds me that I shouldn’t waste my time to impress people committed to being disappointed in me. This inner voice has also taught me to value my effort instead of it’s efficiency or results.  



 


What We Are Teaching About Consent Through the Pandemic

Kids are like sponges and whether we like it or not, they learn so much from ACTUAL EXAMPLES WE GIVE THEM. And I don't want to bring this up, but we need to talk about consent during the pandemic. 

And let me tell you, we have not been doing a very good job with consent and having good, full conversations. We have just been reacting in our home and echoing the CDC recommendations.

And, honestly, how can we not. It's very hard navigating public spaces, updates to our usual routine, and an overwhelmed medical system. We avoided crowded playgrounds, and we sanitized and washed our hands.

We did not talk about consent, although it has been a topic of great importance in the parenting circles that aimed to raise self-aware children. We have not conversations about how our behavior affects other people and how defeating this virus depends on people having many good options to stop the spread.

A big part of consent is saying yes to the conversation and having the conversation with transparent facts, goals, and focus. Will it bring up questions about vaccine mandates if your kids are old enough, yes, as it should. Are kids required to have other vaccines in order to be in public school unless there's a faith based exception, yes. Are kids making these choices about what is going into their bodies? Most often they are not. 

How do you as a human being feel about vaccine mandates for professionals in specific fields or even a blanket mandate? I am all about individuals consenting to what goes into their bodies at their own accord. It seems in line with the U.N. Declaration of Human Rights. And while, yes, I do feel that the risk of transmission increases when there are more individuals choosing and consenting to the risks of not getting vaccinated, I don't think anyone should be forced to have any medical procedure against their will. Will I change my mind about this? I am not sure, but I do know that I am trying really hard to teach good consent rules to my kids, and this seems in line with rules of consent. 

Now do I think that masks should be required in some public or private spaces? Yes, yes I do. While they may be uncomfortable, they are also similar to already existing requirements, such as seat belt laws. Did people think that seat belts were uncomfortable? Yes. We also wear a lot more protective equipment than we let on in our society. We constantly choose to wear rubber gloves when we wash our dishes. We choose warm clothes to protect our bodies. We choose to wear sunglasses when it is sunny. These choices can also be required, like when my husband had to wear scrubs to be at the operating room with me. That was not an option. He chose to be in that space, and he chose to wear the scrubs to meet those requirements.   


   

Saturday, July 31, 2021

Why I Stopped Doing Chores When My Kids are Asleep

It was not a decision by choice. My kids just stopped sleeping altogether. I know, I know, it has not been fun, and we have been spread far too thin to address it now.

There was no reprieve some nights between the late night diaper changes and stressful early morning meetings. I'm surprised I am still here in one piece. 

More on that later. 

But I used to love making my home clean on Friday nights so that weekends were mostly fun times. It was great. And then I had a second child. And it became 200% harder to do the very things that seemed more manageable before. 

So this is where I quit, or had to quit my nightly cleaning routine. Putting away dishes and running the dishwasher during weeknights and doing that mid-week laundry just made no sense if I was going to be interrupted by one child who keeps procrastinating actually falling asleep and the other child keeps waking up. 

And that was better for my family. My kids are learning by example. They know that homes need to be cleaned. Homes, like everything else, need a little maintenance. Things don't just automatically become clean, no house elves are involved.

Now here, if you have a cleaning service, that is great. I have several friends who are fans, and while I wish that was right for my family, there is too many toys to put away to even prepare the space for a professional. After that much effort, it just makes sense to do the easier part yourself.

My toddler was starting to pick up on routines and was absorbing, "what was normal." I hate to delve into zodiac signs here, but although he is an Aquarius, he acts like a Virgo.

I often think back on the activities that are outlined as perfect for different life stages in the Montessori classroom and I try to follow this at home. Does it always work? No, my kids do not understand that spilling water on a hardwood surface, or any surface is a terrible idea. But we do other things.

My kids love spray bottles, wiping things with microfiber cloths, using that swiffer, pretending they are vacuuming, and much more. The other day I was cleaning the oven, the whole thing due to a bacon grease spill. There was the baking soda paste that dried overnight, a vinegar and water spray bottle, a scraper for the glass, brushes, soap. My toddler loved all of it. He is starting to even understand that one size does not fit all for cleaning utensils. 

And while they cannot do many of the grownup chores by themselves, they are super helpful. They had spent a good deal of their rainy day weekend energy on throwing things away, recycling, and putting things in the sink. It is marvelous because they are helping by choice, not by chart, not by routine. They are fostering their curiosity. 

How do you teach your kids on taking care of their spaces? I would love to learn more. 

 


Monday, June 7, 2021

The Great Outdoors with Toddlers

 The Great Outdoors with Toddlers


 

One great way to ensure that toddlers appreciate out beautiful planet is by giving them increasingly more outdoor and wilder experiences.

I want my kids to try to leave the world better than it was. This is what I try to do, although things get hard day to day to be mindful like that. 

One way to get them motivated to save the world and to conserve the wild spaces and the plants and animals that inhabit them is to show it to them, and in time immerse them in it. 

Where the Wild Things Are

I am here to step on my soapbox and declare that you don't have to go far, from vegetable garden and the front steps to local puddles and parks, the wild things are right there. And right now, the cicadas are having some notoriety in Virginia with brood X. That's the magical thing about toddlers, if you just point out how "close" the wilderness happens to start from your front door, they will get it. 

And I am here to also say that I hate bugs, but they are a part of nature. There will not be an ecosystem that we know today that does not rely on a bug, or a bug looking creature to do something very important. It takes all kinds. 

What I love about these wild spaces, as limited as they can be at times in suburbia, is that it shows children how much we and our actions are in balance with nature. They don't have to go far. 

And unlike the zoo or farms, the creatures are free to do as they please. 

It's Harder to See Creatures in the Wild

One thing that I have taken away exploring local parks with little ones is the appreciation for little creatures and their ability to play hide and seek. 

My oldest had a hard time at seeing frogs, snakes, and turtles in the wild because their bodies blend into the background of pond, dirt, and leaves. Here is a turtle that was a lot more obvious!


 

I think it's a matter of safety to keep the little ones aware of what may be especially dangerous growing in the local area and how to avoid it. 

My overall goal is to eventually see most of the national parks in time as a family; however, the little ones will not get much out of it if they are not prepared to look at the details. 

For this reason, I love the different day camps and classes offered to tinker in nature and really get close to the funny creatures lurking under leaves and in shallow ponds. 

Teaching Children Outside

In fact, one of my favorite aspects of the great outdoors is showing my kids the things in real life that they normally see in books, art, toys, and movies. 

It's one thing to see a fox on a page, it's another thing to see one down the street!

One consistent theme of the Montessori method seems to be to avoid adding too much fiction to children earlier on. It is one thing to help preschool children broaden their imaginations, but it is not useful to have cartoon-like animals in baby books since they are not like that in real life. I think that by removing what kids will unlearn later on, we are saving them and ourselves trouble for later. However, following learning of the "real" animals, the books and cartoons are super enjoyable and I don't mean any harm by this delay in using them. 

Another aspect of teaching children outside is that not every animal is like it is in the books and some animal are not your friends. We as grownups avoid wasps and snakes and it is important that children learn to do likewise. 

You Don't Have to Go Far

I wanted to end this update on a note to say that you don't have to and should not go far in order to have a good time. Kids can only walk a handful of miles comfortably and this number gets much smaller with higher temperatures and hill inclines. If you wanted to conquer some personal records, it might be a good idea to leave them with a babysitter and head for the great outdoors on your own for now.

Staying close will not eliminate their sense of discovery. They will enjoy looking under rocks, lifting up leaves, and following every dead-end trail. In fact, one of the things that I enjoy is that they are easy to keep track of when they are not running around my home or the backyard, but instead concentrate on looking at a new bug or plant. It's quite nice and I don't have to carry tired kids as a result. 




Tuesday, June 1, 2021

Duktig and Meal Prep Finds for the Montessori Toddler

Duktig and Meal Prep Finds for the Montessori Toddler

One of the many things that I love about Montessori is that one does not give to the mind more than the hand in the early years of development. Even as an adult, I would say this is still a great concept to follow. 

So naturally, I gravitated to the idea of having a play kitchen be a functional play kitchen. 


 

With inspiration brought on by books, websites like Montessori Services, and other Montessori blogs (The Kavanaugh Report), I was excited to start exploring meal preparation with my little one!

One reason I fell hard for the Montessori teaching method was the use of increasingly more “real” tools in the kitchen to complete meal prep.

Updating the Duktig 

To say that the Duktig from Ikea is an amazing toy would be an understatement. There are so many ways to customize one and many Montessori parents had made modifications including water dispensers and functional sinks in order to have a sense of "realness" to the play. 

We had completed the very minimal of taking out the stove top component and substituted it for a functional cutting board with the use hot glue, and eliminating the non-functional faucet. We had a water dispenser, but it lead to a creative perpetual wet mess with our oldest child that we took it out and haven't used it in several years. We had, however, adopted the use of a filtered water dispenser for the entire family that our kids have started to use. 

One thing to keep in mind is that some of the Ikea items that are child size are not intended for contact with food and therefore it is highly not recommended to use them as utencils, pans, etc. I didn't just want the play thing, I wanted a real thing and I think this is something that many other parents feel as well, especially on the Montessori educational path.

Instead, we had adopted only the cups, plates, and bowls from Ikea. Other things were acquired from Montessori Services and Bed, Bath, and Beyond. 

URSTYLE SET: https://urstyle.fashion/styles/2973873
 

Knives

One of the things that many find amusing about the Montessori method is that it does not shy away from small children using knives in a safe manner. Having once cut myself and earned a small scar when I was younger, I wanted to ensure that the same issue could be avoided with my kids. 

Practice makes perfect, the same applies for knife use. The very first knife that we had used as almost comic looking, an avocado knife from Zyliss. I had found it in Bed, Bath, and Beyond and immediately knew that it was perfect for practicing because the edge was not sharp and the grip was easy for a small child. 

 

Cutting Utensils

Instead, we had adopted only the cups, plates, and bowls from Ikea. Other things were acquired from Montessori Services and Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

URSTYLE SET: https://urstyle.fashion/styles/2973889

Monday, May 31, 2021

Moms Need to Spend the Big Bucks on Themselves Sometimes

This is another money-conscious entry, but this time, it's about moms.

I want to spend a lot more of my very limited funds on my own happiness this coming year. I want to be in the present and celebrate the present. I am tired of the quarantine and the looming threats to my quality of life. I am also tired of the life that I want to live and the life which I currently live being two separate things. 

I am here to try to sell you on the idea that moms need to spend the big bucks on fun things for themselves once in a while—and of course their families.

1. You have a rainy day fund, don't leave your sunny days out the plan

I am not saying that if you build it they will come, but it might help. We tend to prepare for bad surprises. If the brakes need replacing or the tree needs a trim, or if that house needs  a roof, we don't hesitate. We pay up. 

Why don't we allow ourselves to have a sunny day fund for good surprises like a great book, a stand-up paddle board, a new pet or a trapeze class. So many moms have done everything humanly possible to escape debt, myself included, and have managed to create a reality devoid of fun plans. 

2. You Wouldn't Think TWICE if this was for your Child

Sure safety is first and age-appropriate activities are important, but for the most part, if it seems like a good idea for our kids, moms make it work. Just the other day I signed up my youngest for a gymnastics class. Do I want him to become a professional gymnast when he get older? Not at all. Not even a college athlete. I just know this activity sparks joy. It was that simple. 

Why is it that hard to say yes to a similar class that sparks joy for moms? 

3. You Wouldn't Think TWICE if it was required as part of work or social norms

This is one of those things that might be different for everyone, but for the most part, most people have a required uniform, dress code, or appearance standard of some sort. I will not lie, mine is lax. And thank goodness for that. But for the most part things like a business casual wardrobe or having clean appropriate shoes are either required or strongly encouraged. In fact, someone can calculate how much a job actually pays after subtracting the time and the money required to fulfill these prerequisites. 

Yet, moms don't think twice if it means putting food on the table. 

4. You Shouldn't Let Life Pass You By 

There are no guarantees for the future. Some of our goals naively take our bodies and our minds for granted. These two very important parts of ourselves will not always be the same, and it is important to honor ourselves. We should all live our dreams so that we don't have to grieve later those futures that never became fact when we had all of the control for their actualizing.

 I'm not saying using up your life savings is a good idea, but that a sunny day fund is a good idea if life allows it. 


High Risk Pregnancy Survival Guide

I want to be very open.

If your pregnancy has been deemed high risk because of statistical prejudices like number of previous pregnancies or your age (more on that in a later entry), this entry is not for you. 

This is for those Mamas who have been told some news about themselves, or their babies, both, or somewhere in between. This is for the Mamas who are apprehensive about discussing their pregnancies with friends and family, or declaring it at work. This is for the Mamas who have to spend lots of time, energy, and emotional labor on additional doctor's visits. It's for the Mamas with negative or near zero PTO balances because they have to see a specialist every other week. This is for the Mamas who are isolated while literally sharing their bodies with another little human at all times and being kicked in the ribs enough. 

Having received the confirmed biological sex of my child through an email right before midnight a bit after the start of the second trimester, my husband and I walked into 20-week ultrasound appointment ready to get it over with. We were not nervous. 

In fact, my husband had fallen asleep on the most uncomfortable chair invented by the human race as the ultrasound technician typed and clicked with different black and white images showing up here and there. 

I was used to being uncomfortable, but then we were notified that I might have to come back. 

I had yet another ultrasound and this one confirmed the initial images and they would have to monitor growth throughout the weeks with an ultrasound machine. 

Most expecting parents wish they had more ultrasound pictures to get a glimpse into the life of their baby and here I was practically filming a reality show. 

So here are my lessons learned in case it is helpful for anyone else out there. 

1. Read up on the reason for the high risk pregnancy 

Yes, knowledge alone doesn’t fix the situation, but being prepared can help. Also, for anxious parents to be this may come natural following reading some more confusing names on the reports.

While learning about a previously unknown medical term does not necessarily reduce stress and anxiety, it might help to recognize some treatment options and approaches. Even better, you might find a few articles on WebMD not only about the condition, but also about successful medical treatments and trends. Treatments that were out of reach of science and the typical medical care consumer years ago are now possible and the future might be even better. 

2. Talk to a professional councilor, therapist, or life coach

Or, another option is to talk to a very patient and caring friend. You and your baby may be the only ones going through the pregnancy, but you need a village because it takes a village. 

It is also good to let others know that what you are going through is not typical, so that they should not be caught off-guard when you don't react to medical appointments with the same enthusiasm as a first time parent without any diagnoses.

3. Save as much PTO as possible

My single and childless days included staycations and time off for long lunches or more pleasant road trips. I hate to say it, but almost no one has the time off required to meet the requirements of high risk pregnancy appointments. It was very embittering using up days that would ideally be vacation days, being spent from the emotional labor, and feel like I had to make up for my absence at work. 

4. Don’t expect any medical intervention following birth

I assumed that once the baby was born that it was time for medical intervention and everything would be behind us by the time we reached 12 months of age. It was profoundly naive because doctors don’t want to take undue risks. 

How Many Shoes Do Little Kids Need?

TL:DR 

Toddlers need at least two pairs of shoes for the same every day purpose.

The Feels

Today I'm all in my feels about shoes. 

Yes, There are a ton of other pressing matters not only in the world, but also in my neighborhood and my home. There are these slow burning proverbial fires that need to be addressed. 

But here I am, having feelings about shoe shopping. 

Let Me Explain

I don't get shoes for myself. I am lacking shoes for many essential tasks and instead have several practical pairs that minimalist parents have (or just those parents who gave up on mimicking the latest genz trends). One day I hope to change that, but until then and for always, I want to equip my kids with seasonally appropriate and fitting shoes. 

This is sometimes hard given that kids have growth spurts and seasons can change abruptly. 

My youngest has perfectly CHONKY feet. They're not long or too wide, but they are perfectly pudgy so shoes have a hard time getting on and the ankle is the roundest part for the size. He had managed to not fit in his first set of water shoes, so I had to take measures for getting him his summer sandals. I took my child into the real world for this and he loved every minute of it. 

I ended up getting him two pairs, one for those playground, hiking, sandbox days, and one for times when he has to dress up a little more for the 90 degree or hotter days.

And there is nothing more of a hint that your child is growing up than shoe shopping. Crib or soft soled shoes are no longer good enough and the more practical and real the shoes are, the more of a reminder it is that your little one is growing up. RIP the cutest soft soled shoes ever! And I mean ever!  


Robeez are the best crib shoes ever


https://www.robeez.com/

And for the first time in a while, I got shoes that were not Merrells. I swear I might as well be a salesperson for Merrells because I keep getting them for my eldest, but in this case the ability to try on actual shoes in real life really helped me out in the journey to finding shoes that actually fit my difficult to fit child. Having gone through several return and replace pairs this year, this was a plus that cannot be beaten by the broad selection cyberspace has to offer. Max and Jake and Dr. Scholls won!

Formal Toddler Sandals


Fun Climbing and Hiking Toddler Sandals


I got this question from some people and I want to go and explain why little kids need two pairs of shoes if the budget will allow it. Little kids get dirty, splash in puddles, and manage to fall into bodies of water if they have a chance. Between mud, sandboxes, and the ovation all pond, there will always be a reason why you need to wash their shoes. That’s why having two pairs really helps. I know other parents who love rain boots, flip flops and other things. And those are great options if they work for your family, but my kids manage to lose their shoes too often to make these a real option for some situations. 

Sunday, May 30, 2021

Being a Toddler Parent is Rough on a Former Gifted Kid

Being a toddler parent is rough on anyone. I personally love toddlers and even I can only hear "but why, Mama?" so many times before I start getting annoyed. I can only have my child put his whole hand in his poop filled diaper so many times before I want to scream. I can only have my child run into the street without looking once in each direction so many times before enunciating through my teeth as I try not to lose it. 

 Clearly this would be below standard if there was a grade for parenting. 

It's extra tough when you grew up being able to ace the rubric. There's a difference between inherent intelligence, being able to problem solve, gain knowledge, and score well on tests. For the sake of this opinion piece we can be as oblivious to this as many of the school systems during my youth. Let's go ahead.

I used to love the rubrics and being able to deliver or over-deliver. I was used to having to prove to be proficient at multiple things at all times. I was used to being above average and having statistics on my side indicating this to be true. 

As someone who did not get a lot of family support for my academic achievement, because I was not the golden child (more on that later), I used good grades and being the in gifted classes as a compass for myself esteem. I knew what success was for that early age and I had it. 

Now fast-forward to 25 or some years later. There's no rubric or test answer key. There are actions and consequences. The probabilities of different outcomes underscore how much of human life is a continuous gamble. 

I will also be honest and say that, I was a better parent to one child than I am to two children. The divided attention is required and I really hope that the teamwork and social development that my kids have as siblings will compensate for my inability to look at either of their lives under the microscope on a continuous basis. 

One unfortunate truth about parenting is that just like you can have an A in English and a D in Physics, you can succeed in some parenting areas and fail altogether in others. And the awful thing is that I am too close to know the real gaps in my knowledge or talent. Sure I know that I have to say "no" with more conviction, but I am missing the big picture. There’s a chance that there is something big that I am missing that will be so obvious in 20 years when the little ones are not so little anymore.

Former gifted kids have anxiety down pat because we are used to rubrics, roadmaps, plans, recipes, standards, statistics. All of the comforts of the ivory tower that only provide a false sense of security in the modern world.   

The other hard truth is that we have to either watch our kids struggle with the same things that we struggled with or we watch them struggle with things that we found easy in our youth. And then other times when they happen to figure something out seemingly out of nowhere, we have to wonder if they're going to be just fine. 

And here’s the thing. They will figure it out. The world that we grew up with no longer exists. And in a lot of ways, it doesn’t matter if you can live up to your own expectations or if you end up giving yourself a lot of grace.  

And Then We All Got COVID

Every day felt like we were just getting the life sucked out of us with no light at the end the tunnel. And then we all got COVID. Cover art...