Momming Mindfully

Sometimes, it's more fun to invent or borrow invented words from other moms. Forgive me, dear reader. 

Having the time and the mental spoons to think and function in a meaningful way is a privilege. And therefore it is a privilege to get to raise your children mindfully and spiritually. 

Having this ability and this privileged to be not only spiritual but also mindful is a true gift. It’s a true gift anywhere you are in life if you’re in a happy place. And for me this happy place is motherhood. 

Being a mother in our current day and age is not a passive process. Yet, the variety of requirements from homemaking, parenting, and working can eliminate the last mental spoon and render a person missing a vital component of the daily routine let alone their spiritual journey and living in the present. 

Life seems to reward meticulous planning and flawless but passive execution of those plans instead of living in the present. Most of our daily life is a physical and mental distraction unless we pay attention and live in the present. Inside each and every one of us is a piece that wants to be back with the whole. And we feel best in our journey when we are not lost or strayed from our path. 

As a mother, I often find that I have to make myself an expert in the working knowledge of a psychologist, natural scientist, doctor, and religious leader. And I’m also teaching my child his heritage, our human story and all that I know about it.

And in a way, through the present, the stress of such a calling goes down! I feel lucky to be summoned to such a vital role in the continuation of our human story.

I want my children to have the gift of writing their own story as much as possible through personal experience and living in the present so they can experience enlightenment, truth, peace, happiness, joy, and love.

Moms are Sick and Tired of Cutting Corners

 

Moms are sick and tired of cutting corners.

Moms cut corners to make food last a little longer. 

Moms cut coupon corners to save a little bit of money.

Moms cut corners in personal care when their kids look like they have been in hair, makeup, and wardrobe for hours. 

Moms cut corners to afford that car, house, vacation, extra-curricular, babysitter, dessert. 

Moms cut corners by erasing meaningful relationships from their calendars. 

Moms cut corners on their work outs, because they just take too long and everything hurts so much. 

Moms cut corner in personal hygiene--that dry shampoo is a dream. 

Speaking of cutting corners, even my dog has dry shampoo. 

Moms cut corners to get the time for errands. 

Moms keep cutting away corners until there is very little left. 

Being a mom is a gift and a privilege. And it's also important to acknowledge that this privilege comes with so many challenges even today. So if you have been struggling, please appreciate everything that you do. 

 

8 Approaches for Reaching and Surpassing Your 2021 Mama Goals

It's a new year! And I'm happy to be back and ready to make my 2021 goals not only a reality, but a happy reality. I want to run a few victory laps. 

But, it's difficult to do when you're a mom. 

2020 was a hard year during which many doors had closed and I wanted 2021 to be different. This is why I had gathered up resources to help my bring my goals and dreams for 2021 to fruition. 

 

1. Hour by Hour

 

There are so many cliches that come to mind about parenting such as "they're only little once," and "the days are long, but the years are short." All true, which only makes these sayings more cringeworthy. 

And yet, why do we as moms, and parents in general, sometimes find ourselves craving a stressful minute to just be over, for bedtime to start, or a babysitter to get here? It's because being "on" 24-7 is hard as a new parent and I bet it gets more stressful with age as the kids get older.

The hour by hour tracking system budgets each hour like a currency in a budget. Each hour was made for something. This way no longer does a day just slide out from underneath a tired caregiver, but the day can be tracked and documented. Each hour needs to work. 

I found this approach to be helpful when going for better habits like better communication with my kids.

I also found this approach to be useful when breaking down schedules that were weather dependent. For example, if it was going to rain around 3pm, the objective for a weekend was to complete a walk and take the kids to a playground before 2:30.

2. Try Something New

 

Being a new mom often has days that just blend together in which the new and all important responsibilities dance around in a 24-hour cycle around the different squares of the calendar. To combat this boredom from repetitive responsibilities, I enjoy adding something different to the mix to make each week stand out a little. 

Ruts still happen, but they are much fewer than they were before. My first choice would be to go out into a new place in nature. While that only happens weather permitting, my second choice is to find a nice audio-book or a good movie to watch. My favorite morsels of creative entertainment have been "Mexican Gothic" by Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Bridgerton, and Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. 

Trying something new gives new life to the most standard and mundane tasks.

Yes, having a beautiful and well-kept home is a wonderful thing if you are summoned by the divine for this endeavor, but some days, it's just hard. This helps so much. Maybe this tip is only for extroverts, but maybe it's for everyone a bit. (Side note: I prescribe to the opinion that  extroversion or introversion is not "how social you are," but how much you prefer to interact with your environment.) 

3. Mom Report Card

 

This one is for all of the habit trackers out there, myself included. In the business world, I prefer ground truth data over feelings and Deming principles over "going with the flow." As moms or parents or caretakers, we have to make our own flow or the day makes us. 

This is a great approach to crushing goals because they are about honesty. First, goals should be realistic. If you created a lofty goal and its demoralizing watching it be further and further out of reach, replace it with something more realistic. Next, it's important to document wins and setbacks. Both are natural and a part of life. 

 

4. Make it a Game

 

This one is great for competitive parents out there. Yes, competition between parents is toxic and not the foundation to true friendship, but competition between you and your past self is fair game and fun. The old you did not have the same experience and mindset that you have now. Your old personal record is about to be crushed over and over. 

You can make either completing your smaller goals a game or you can make the journey to get to the goal a game. Take for example a clean kitchen floor. You can either do it super fast, on time, and mark that task done, OR you can give yourself point for every square foot of space that you clean.  

My personal favorite is a throwback to mall arcades. I write a to-do-list where every distinct task has its own number, then I designate how many complete tasks correspond to prizes and what the prizes are. While this sounds a tad like treating yourself, it is, but there are also ways to do this while also being fiscally conservative by either buying things that you will need later earlier (e.g. tooth paste, you will hopefully always need toothpaste), or paying down a debt, or adding to a savings account. 

5. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

 

I love the approach to happiness as the approach to the happiness of the whole family. And that's why I love the Maslow's hierarchy of needs approach. It's easy to follow, it just goes from the ground up. Every great building is built on good solid ground or a solid foundation. 

This is often second nature, but we sometimes forget to continue moving up the hierarchy of needs. 

As a disclaimer, I have seen people thrive while not having some of the basic needs met. There are always exceptions, but for me and many people I know, and modern psychology would side with building up. 

For me, I cannot excuse crafting while my home is dirty. I once came across the partial hoax, partially doctored message "from a Singer manual"--debunked here. It emphasized having all other affairs in order before undertaking sewing. This meant nothing in the physical or mental space was to be a bother. While the origin of the story was a hoax, the author of the linked blog follows through with exerts of the original doctored work with its good message preserved. 

 

6. Mind, Body, Heart, Soul

 

Okay, this one goes to all of those past studious students who would study in the library until finals, live there, then spend summers outside to make up for lost rays of sunshine. N

No. Extremes don't work in a family structure. You cannot, not bathe your kids, or not prepare bottles and pump. You cannot ignore the emotional needs of your children while making sure they can get a partial football scholarship. You can't ignore these important aspects of your life, because if you ignore them, no one else will take care of them. 

 I chose mind, body, heart and soul because those are the various areas of my family life and my focus. 

It's my focus for 2021 to care about all of these areas instead of just the mind and heart. Those were the 2020 objectives, but this year is going to be different. 

 

7. Continuous Improvement

One of my favorite words of all time is Kaizen, meaning change for the better. We have goals because we want to improve our lives in some way. 

This approach is perfect if you have BIG goals. You can break them down and try to reach small milestones without looking at the big goal all at once. 

Chances are that if you break down your big goals into small tasks or baby steps, and commit even one full minute to it everyday, you will move forward with enough focus if you have the necessary resources.

A big goal for 2021 is to write more and live more fully. As a result I have monthly goals for how often I write. My BIG goal is to write a book by the end of 2021. We will see how that unfolds. 

 

8. Accountability 

A lot of people say they want something, they tell everyone, and then they never do it. That happens a lot and in order to avoid this, you have to be accountable to yourself or others. Talk to those who want to see you succeed. Truly succeed. 

Maybe figure out a way to be accountability buddies or to give yourself consequences for not meeting certain goals. This sounds harsh but could be a great motivator. 

Did you not complete that one work email that you really wanted to? I guess that ice cream can wait, ice cream is for closers. 

What I like about this approach is that you can have flexibility when you need to. Being accountable to yourself also means not abusing your energy. All of your being is accountable to all of your being. And that is truly beautiful.

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Favorite Planner Things

I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for planners. Planners are beautiful visual aids that make my goals and dreams come true through calendars, checklists, and notes. Yes, I have uncompleted resolutions of yesteryear too, but we will not talk about those just yet.

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I love digital calendars. Sharing events on digital calendars is convenient and my life would be much harder without them, BUT there is something beautiful and irreplaceable about a physical planner because I love seeing my week come alive on each page. I also love being able to write things down to remember them better.

But they can be fairly expensive. So I have a round up of items that to jump start your planner journey from Michael's. 

 

While the planner community is full of nice bespoke agendas, templates, and accessories, I wanted to take the time and talk about planner things from Michaels. Why Michaels? Well, because it is an accessible store and it had pulled me though some hard times through crafts. 

The truth is that when I first started with my planned journey, as much as I wanted to go all over the internet, it was much more comfortable to go to the physical store and look at everything in its physical form without worrying about actual size or quality. 

Another reason to use a one stop shop like Michael’s is that I get to see if I like a product at a lower price point before jumping headfirst into some consumables I will never use up. 

I enjoy aesthetically dressing up my planner so that I know what I have to look forward to and also keep track of my year. Yes, 2020 has probably been the worst year for planner companies, but I hope 2021 is much better and at the very least here are a few ways you can jot down your COVID-19 shot appointment dates. 

Planner Shell

The planner shell is necessary. There are I believe three common sizes, A5, standard, and pocket, as well as some others.

While for a shell almost anything goes, I would say that I prefer those that meet my need to write as much as I can. I typically go for the A5 and the standard size.

 

Small Letter or Symbol Stamps

These are great for tracking your habits, chores, drinking 8 glasses, spending or not spending, etc. if your kind of goals revolve around numbers or day to day consistency, I highly recommend stamps that fit snugly into a page. And yes, stickers might work as well, but I often find that they are too big for this purpose. 

Big Stamps

Big stamps are for big events! If you have consistent events like vacations, flights, play dates, birthdays, seminars, or outings, I highly suggest a fun, big and visual stamp. 

Ink Pads

You can’t have stamps without ink pads, there are many different kinds and it’s important that your matches your basic needs like not bleeding through thin agenda pages or not being easy to wash away. 

Pens

I love pens and the finer and more vibrant in color the better. I think multiple colors are a great way to communicate different details such as making time in orange or location in green. This way, if you are scanning your pages for certain information, you can ignore the colors that aren’t important that moment. 

Highlighters

I use my highlighters to designate that something is done. It’s a great way to mark up pages without obstructing the original text.

Filler Pages

Filler pages are needed. There are some yearly start ones like a calendar at a glance and detail pages for each week. There are also habit tracked pages, mela planning, budgeting, drawing, etc.

Washi Tape

Washi tape is not a requirement, but it is SO PRETY and it’s easy to feel festive or seasonal by decorating your pages. 

Stickers 

Stickers are another great way to decorate or label a planner. If you were an overachiever in school you might want to reward yourself with a set of stickers for days that go really well! Or just because you as an adult deserve them to brighten your day. 

Gingerbread Man Christmas Tree Ornaments with Customized Tags

 

 One tradition that we started in our home was making Christmas tree ornament gifts "from our children." Our firs baby's first Christmas ornament "gifts" were handprints and footprints in red and green. This was nearly a hassle free project and I was hooked. The next project was a bit more elaborate, and nearly from scratch. 

These were a lot of effort to make, but were worth the result. I had completed the gingerbread man outline and I had let my toddler decide on the decorations that I had glued on using hot glue. 

Below are the instructions used to create these ornaments.

 

 I also wanted to make sure that the tags were customized. A tag die and a small tag hole punch were used to create the shape out of heavy scrap-booking paper. I then used small Recollections stamps to write the giver and recipients. 

 

 

 Finally, I added some fun to the tags by using my child's favorite stamp. 

 

 

 

An Honest Usborne Book Review

I first came across Usborne books when one of my friends asked if I would go to an Usborne book party that she was a virtual host for.

Before that, most books companies that I was aware of were the big publishing houses that filled big book stores, used bookstores, and school book fairs alike. 

I do not need an excuse to buy children's books because we read books throughout the day. I quickly picked out some books that were interactive and accessible for my child at the time. 

I received the books and we have enjoyed many evenings touching textured pages and lifting flaps.

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The books vary in subject, targeted age range, and quality. The prices reflect this. 

The touchy-feely book that I own is an amazing quality with thick pages. The illustrations that accessible to babies who may not be able to see in full colors. And I appreciate that it was made for babies instead of the adults.

I want to be very honest when I say that the illustrations are not unique works of art exactly. The artwork is made to stand up to repeated wear and tear though. And that is most important to me right now. This might be a skewed view since I did not get any thematically intricate books like a fairy tale.

The drawback to these books is that they do thrive in an MLM structure. The MLM business structure makes me wary. And I will tell you why. Usborne books are everywhere online, in big box stores, and at virtual MLM parties. I feel like all of these platforms compete with one another and I genuinely feel like the "book people" should get a fraction of all generic online sales since they are the ones doing the majority of detailed marketing. 

Even as I write this, there is a list of books that I want to get and I also have a "maybe" future list depending on what my kids get into as they get older. 

All that said, I have heard some concerns and a bit of conflict from independent authors and illustrators who find that these books can overwhelm regional small business fairs to the point that it is harder for local authors to compete at the very events that were essentially designed for them. So knowing this, I hope that anyone reading this article spends additional effort sleuthing online for local authors and independent authors in addition to these wonderful books.

In particular, I think it is important to shop for books where illustrations jump of the pages, especially in this day and age where parents are discouraged from taking their children to museums. I think that illustrators are amazing and it is important to seek books that support illustrators. Also, I feel it is important to ensure that my bookshelf includes books with characters that look like my child as well as characters who that do not look like my child. 

The Story of Mothers in Little Fires Everywhere

 

First Impressions of Little Fires Everywhere

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Reading "Little Fires Everywhere" by Celeste Ng was a beautiful experience and I wanted to dive into it from a parenting perspective. 

Please be forewarned, there are spoilers ahead.

While intertwined relationships between teenagers is the main focus, and Shaker Heights, a setting that can be a character, attempts to steal the spotlight where possible, the book is fundamentally about motherhood. About parenthood. About that nuance of human cycles and conversely unprecedented futures that comes with each new generation. 

This book would have wound up in a recommended school book report list had it been written a hundred years ago. I have heard a book reviewer say that the sentence structures could be better. I understand the sentiment, but I often find that a signature of the author features the author's weaknesses just as much as strengths. For example, while I highly enjoy Edith Wharton's work, I cannot, for the life of me, imagine a map or directions of any location within some of her key works. And that is okay. I prefer her descriptions of human nature under specific circumstances to the most riveting land survey.

Celeste Ng's characters escape from the page as fleshed out people without divulging every single tidbit of life history. The interactions are full and while authentic to their time, place, and culture, are universal enough that a few changes in slang and peripheral details would be enough to transfer this story in time and geography.  

Parenting in Little Fires Everywhere

So back to parenting in "Little Fires Everywhere." While it is impossible to outright name each mother within this book a bad parent exactly, there are little red flags here and there that often resemble the red flags in real life. And I loved that. Not only is parenting a teenager one of the most difficult aspects of parenting, but also being a human being while parenting is a challenge not too small.

Even the most perfect parents carry red flags with them and make mistakes. And that's okay. 

Elena Richardson and Mia Warren are portrayed as complimentary forces in parenting. 

Elena Richardson

Elena Richardson had pursued preparing the space for the child and had followed this course to completion as part of the philosophy she adopted from her planned Shaker Heights setting. She had let her career, while impressive, stagnate compared to those of her peers. 

She had come back to Shaker following schooling, ready to start the next chapter of her life. And while this preparation is elaborate, all of this preparation goes against "following the child," a key Montessori motto.

The main takeaways from Elena's parenting style is that there is not much flexibility. There is not a lot of room for mistakes because the preparation had eliminated as many opportunities for mistakes as possible. 

One heartbreaking moment is realizing that while Elena has written the plan for her own children in stone regardless of how well it works out for them, she is more than willing to help other parents realize plans for their children that work for them. For example, she was more than willing to help a friend get her daughter into an all-girls school that was better for her education. Now it is not clear if this option is better just on paper or genuinely better for the child in real life, but it is already a red flag that Elena does not entertain even a glimmer of an idea like that for Izzy until the plot rolls out through the book. And then, it is much too late.

Mia Warren

By contrast Mia Warren provided and prepared many spaces showing her child the different ways to live in one country and how unique the landscapes, people, and even the sky can be. The comfort provided seemed very essential, instead of absolute. The complete lack of "following the child" is a stark contrast to Elena Richardson's methods and while it would be considered quirky to say the least by the current interpretation of the Montessori method, I can see a fierce follow the child aspect. Key examples include Mia using a sling when her child did not want to be put down, taking on jobs that allowed her to be close to her child, and letting her child mold oneself in the short term without judgement. 

Mia's frequent moves take away any long-term environment from her child and give her child additional challenges in life. Her child is not able to establish long-term relationships, develop a support system other than her mother, or develop traditionally rewarded academic and extracurricular activities for college admissions. 

One heartbreaking, yet completely glossed over point in the book, is the fact that we know that Pearl had the writing abilities to get into a prestigious university. After all, her essay had helped someone else get in. But it is doubtful that Pearl's application would have reflected the grades and involvement typically associated with stellar applications. After all, it is 2020 and parents have gotten into trouble for forging their children's extracurricular involvement. We know this matters, and we know it is hard to build this consistency in new places. 

Both Mothers are Goals and Both are Cautionary Tales

I wanted to provide a comfortable home for my children to thrive in. I also had seen what multiple moves do to a child's academic progress as a tutor and from my own experience. And yet, I want to show the world to my children that I was lucky enough to experience. Yes, consistently developing a know-how in academics or sports is important, but there is so much of the world to experience that is far more personally rewarding.

Mia's life is enviable despite it being opposite to the suburban living ideal. And as a parent in 2020, it's easy to see why. Pre-COVID, it was not surprising to see school shooting events in the news. Surely, doing remote schooling while traveling sounded a lot better than looming fears and sporadic school drills. Even the most prestigious suburb- or any setting that can be its own character- does not guarantee safety from school shooters or other violence.

 

 

 

Transformative Journey From One Child to Two

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Third Trimester Pregnant with Number Two

All I wanted to do was sleep, to be comfortable, and wish my baby would get here already. 

And at first, it was a great relief. I was lucky enough to be back on my feet soon after getting home from the hospital. 

Our new baby presented this happy disruption to our daily routine. All of a sudden we were doing the same things we normally were, but now we had a new baby and the excitement that came with new interactions and watching our little cuddlebug grow and develop into a bigger baby with each day.

My often rambunctious toddler adjusted swiftly without too many hiccups. My toddler still maintained his fool proof sleeping schedule with only one or two late night wakes that evolved into a few extra minutes of quality time, and one or two times that he joined me on the couch as I took my evening naps. 

In the beginning, my newborn was stationary, sleeping most of the time. And besides loving our tired faces, he had no interest in the outside world and preferred to sleep. 

The Honeymoon Period Ended

This Honeymoon Period ended with a jolt.

This jolt happened very fast when my young baby gently grabbed a new toy toward himself and put it in his mouth. Then, he just kept discovering new and exciting things. Everything was a teething toy. He would see, he would reach or roll his body towards it, and he would grab. My toddler realized that all of his toys might become teething toys at some point, and he was not amused.

Next, he started to crawl towards new things. And soon after that he started to stand to get to new heights.  

Lets Get the disclaimer over with

No two mama or parent stories are the same.

When I say the honeymoon period ended, I don't want to diminish the level of suffering that I went through as a new mother again. Post partum is not a party, but I want to shift away from those painful body experiences and instead focus on family life. Also, I think my body purposefully, conveniently forgets what the pain was actually like in order get me ready to undergo the ordeal again. Funny how human bodies are built. 

Ways to Prepare for the Active Baby and Toddler Stage

I wanted to share some things that I learned fast from experience that have made a huge difference.

1. Siblings will Automatically Gravitate Towards One Another

The Good

If the age difference is small enough, the older child will not spend a lot of time remembering being an only child. 

Siblings will laugh together and will share a bond. 

Right now my kids are developing what I hope is a lifelong friendship. They smile at the same time when they play together. And they already know what the other one likes. They share their moods and try their best to play with one another, although this is still not possible because of developmental differences.    

The Bad

Sometimes, older siblings can gravitate towards their younger counterparts for "bad" reasons, like to deal with jealousy in their limited, but aggressive toddler ways. I know that my older child loves his baby brother, but once in a while his jealousy monster is fed and he ends up taking a toy right out of his baby brother's hands. 

I learned that my toddler needs just as much attention as before and I try to satiate this need with conversation since it is the easiest.

2.  The Cleanliness of Your Home Reaches New Levels

The Good

You get used to organizing and cleaning on the go during the day. And as a result, you will be more ready for planned or unplanned company. 

Yes, your home can still look like a hurricane blew through it, but you can fix it in record time since you had so much time to hone in your disaster control skills in homemaking.

The Bad

Things that were okay before, like storing the car seat on a low shelf in the home, is now a serious accident waiting to happen, so you have to figure it out and become more creative. 

Right now, I am in the middle of combing pinterest with a fine toothed comb to organize my small home in a way that enables us to live with less dangers for my mobile baby. It is hard.

3. Going Outside Is Hard Again

The Good

There is nothing more captivating than watching a baby discover new things for the first time, including everything that the outside has to offer.  

The Bad

I cannot just add layers and wear your baby. My baby is now an active participant.

 My baby might be interested in exploring that I have to be ready for. While I do not believe in raising my child in a bubble, it gets super tiring making sure he does not try to eat stems of roses or other plants.  

Also, while I am writing this during COVID, any activity outside of the home is difficult. Even going to a socially distance maintained park or playground is hard because you cannot just chase down and pick up your toddler if you are carrying your baby. You have to worry about all of the ways you can limit bringing germs home.

4. Some Days Will Just Feel Like Too Much Work

The Good

There is no good part to this one.

The Bad 

Sometimes, I just want to get a good night of sleep. And that is just out of reach right now. And from having this unmet need, I find that the rest of the day can lag behind or just evolve into a relaxed, but low activity day on the couch.

5. You Will Develop Fine Focus on Two Kids

The Good

This is a superpower similar to x-ray vision, flying, or time traveling. Seriously. And it is the thing that's needed when siblings are in two different stages of development. 

I end up being able to carry conversations, sing songs, organize, clean, play with, and feed your children and it is scary. 

My mind just goes in overdrive because it has to. They are only little once and they need attention.

The Bad 

Those times fine focus require lots of energy and sometimes, I just do not have the energy for the extras. Sometimes, I do not have the energy for the essentials. The little things can be put off indefinitely if they are not fundamentally required.

Afterthoughts  

Eventually your kids will learn to play peacefully either together or apart and the day that you can relax and maybe focus on something else, or yourself for once, will happen sooner than you think.