About Your Corona Parent Friend

I had a child during the early stages of COVID-19 and am slowly adjusting to life with a bigger family. I quickly found that many of my go to activities and what I envisioned my Spring and Summer to be had evaporated. As I write this blog, cooler temperatures after some much needed rain are reminding me that Summer is just about finished.

Other parents and families may have adjusted to the same demands and new demands seamlessly, but my home life and my Mama life have shifted towards something different. I made the list below to be honest about my experience and also give those that have asked a brief window into a slightly different walk of life.

1. Things take turns being okay. 

Rooms take turns being clean and organized. Chores take turns being finished. Email chains take turns about being read through. If there are siblings or pets in the home, attention is divided and family members take turns getting attention.

 The living room might be immaculate, but the kitchen has dishes piling up, a trash can that is fun to the brim, and recycling is overflowing because we are still trying to save the planet with our small choices. Parenting in my home means that the planet will have to wait its turn to be saved. 

This might also mean that my home is ready for the very few visitors we are recommended to have, but my bedroom has piles of clean clothing that has not been folded and put "where it lives."

Taking turns also means that sometimes I am two weeks early to contribute to a Corona birthday present, but I can also be months behind another emotional labor endeavor. It happens. It is the wheel, or more accurately the expanding spiral of the mama or parent career.

2. Kid milestones happened and no one was here.

Speaking of the expanding spiral of the mom career, my small child came into this world quite alarmed and now adjusted so much that he is now trying to stand, walk, eat solids, sing, talk, and play--just like a big baby. His needs and interests have expanded to never ever again be that sleeping baby burrito. 

And almost no one was here. There were very few visitors that got to interact with my baby burrito. And while I know the interaction only gets better and better with age, I feel bad that those around me that have wished for a safe pregnancy and a healthy baby did not get to enjoy this version of my baby. Learning to cry, learning to sleep, first funny faces, first intense eye contact, first smile, first giggle, first surprise, first raspberries, first baby crunch, first standing attempt, and first interaction with siblings were only witnessed by my immediate household.  

This all means that I, like your Corona parent friend, had to work extra hard to document the milestones that are otherwise shared with family, friends, neighbors, and even strangers.

I strongly believe that even adults and teenagers have microseasons of their lives where they might try a new hobby, routine, or lifestyle. Learning new lifelong skills is an especially ongoing process with younger kids and all it takes is a few blinks and a stage is gone.

3. Your Corona parent friend wants to know how you're doing

Your Corona parent friend is rooting for you from afar. Are you learning bread baking from scratch? Did you buy a ball gown to wear inside your home? Did you get a new beard oil you're in love with? Was that COVID-19 social distancing date full of amazing chemistry? We want to hear about it. 

Also, we would love to have a zoom call with you where WE. DO. NOT. TALK. ABOUT. KIDS. AT. ALL. After 20 diaper changes or trips to the potty-- I want to clock out from wearing my mom hat (joking--like that happens) and would prefer ANY OTHER TOPIC! Are you passionate about the history of dental floss? Did you try something new in a videogame? Please share!

Most parents know that relationships are harder to keep up when you have kids. COVID-19 added an extra layer of complexity. It's another layer of exhaustion and unmet needs. I cannot have several skype or zoom calls in a row. Or it might be that I am super tired and cannot be there 100% if I am tired, but was otherwise available from a logistical point of view. 

It is this exhaustion that fuels a feeling of mild social isolation.

4. Your Corona parent friend has less references to pull from.

There are many resources online and offline, but the majority of resources circulating-- and these circulate for good reason, they're awesome-- were developed without a  pandemic in mind. Many solid articles include interacting with others without social distancing and visiting heavy traffic areas.

 As a result, parents are adjusting most answers they find to their current comfort level regarding venturing out into the world and requirements issued by public and private places. 

5. Children are missing social experiences.

Having loved playgrounds when I was a preschooler, I couldn't wait to take my toddler to a playground. He was super young and could not climb the steps very well, but he loved the slides. He then grew to enjoy other playground activities with newfound physical agility. His interest then expanded into parallel, followed by mild interactive play. 

I took all of this for granted, and now we don't go anywhere. Although we are starting to form social distancing pods, this is a new development due to medical reasons. My eldest child who loves to use his imagination and play with others is missing weekends full of interactive play and games that teach cooperation, taking turns, and eventually sharing.

We have not had a playdate in 6 months, and while we may be an extreme case, I do not believe that we are unique. 

I am not sure if I have the stamina for the rigorous social calendar that my toddler used to have before this Spring. I am out of practice and now have to adjust to new social distancing and different policies about shares spaces like playgrounds. Venturing out to fun places is less fun for parents.

Likewise, your Corona parent friend may be in a similar boat and is adjusting to the COVID-19 world after trying to wait it out completely. It is stressful to leave the house, but waiting years for a reliable vaccine seems inconceivable.   

6. Standards have gone down.

Everyone's world is different, but as a general trend, the quality of life for your Corona parent friend has gone down. It might be because of a lack of babysitters, or remote learning for a school age child, or it might be just the toll on mental health. In any case, standards have slipped. And while that is sad, chances are that your friend couldn't care less. 

Right in line with the first point of things taking turns being okay, things are also taking turns being less okay. 

It might seem that I and others around me have changed our personalities based on how we act or live our lives. So, I wanted to remind everyone that responding to stress is not a personality.

I am now less detail oriented. I am now less inclined to start conversations because I'm saving my strength for middle of the night wake ups, night terrors, and nightmares. I am now less likely to try new or challenging things. I do not have room for my full personality right now. 

7. We see you trying to connect with us and live your best life with us in it.

 Your Corona parent friend had plans for the future that are now on a definite hold. Whether big like a vacation overseas or small like organizing a low key birthday party, all plans are on hold. And it is often friends with more bandwidth and creativity who offer a silver lining in the shape of alternatives.

We see you gauging interest and availability. We see you planning. We see you organizing virtual events. We see you producing videos or podcasts. We see you hosting drive by events, social distanced events, separate, but together events. 

We see you and we are trying our hardest at setting aside time and being more present and less tired.

 

What No One Told Me About Breastfeeding

I had read countless blogs and forums on breastfeeding. And when it was time for my milk to come in and start this beautiful journey, I had many appointments with lactation consultants. On top of that, I had family and friends who had walked me through cluster feeding and my milk finally coming in.

And after the ups and downs of breastfeeding my first child, I thought I was an old soul when it came time to breastfeed my second child. After all, I was a veteran breastfeeding Mama who spent countless hours in bathrooms, nursing rooms, doctors offices, and my home either breastfeeding or pumping breastmilk for my baby.

And just like that, my milk actively came in much faster with my second baby. I don't think I used any formula to supplement this time. I felt at ease. 

The oxytocin produced during the feedings was needed amidst the chaos of becoming a family of four in forced isolation due to COVID-19 (thanks 2020). I can still remember that feeling as I navigated the postpartum discomforts and new life adjustments.

And here we are with still so many surprises. I wanted to make a short list of surprises I learned while breastfeeding.

 

No One Told Me Children Can be Ready to Move on Without You

My second child is a baby led weaning kid. Here I had this tiny human envying our every single meal. And after he grew his first tooth, he would get actively upset about being excluded from meals. We made it ritual to introduce new foods to him even if only in taste.

He adapted to cow's milk without a blink. And he adapted to water and the sippy cup without many issues. 

Most importantly, he hasn't met a food he didn't like. 

Which brings me to now. No one told me that my child would be the one shrinking my breastmilk supply and not the other way around to "wean" the baby off breastmilk. 

No One Told Me About the Absolute Discomfort Before My Milk Fully Came In

I’ve seen terms like “pain” and ”engorgement” floating around forums, but I had never thought in a million years that it was going to hurt to feed my baby. Or to out on clothes, move around, or just take a shower. 

I remember struggling to feed my baby. I remember my child being hungry and having to supplement with formula. Lots of sleepless nights full of feedings and washing bottles were a new kind of routine. But what I also remember was the absolute discomfort as my milk first came in. 

I think every body is different and no one wants to talk about the discomforts of breastfeeding in order to it scare anyone away, but it’s there at first for some.

Thankfully, this was not the experience with my second child. 

No One Told Me That Babies Can Have Favorite Bottles

It's the grip. Dare I say more? 

The bottle that is the easiest to grasp and hold wins. 

And this requires me to update my original Baby Bottles article with an update. Maybe I should just write a new one, "Bottles Preferred by Babies." The small glass bottles are too heavy. The soft bottles in the shape of an oval don't have the grip. And, insert sarcastic "who knew" that the Kiinde bottle system, the one I used almost exclusively for breastmilk was the favorite and easiest to grasp. Perhaps it became my child's favorite because it was a "sure thing" without a bad surprise of formula once my breastmilk supply dropped from hormonal changes and stress. 

No One Told Me Busy Babies Don't Follow the Same Schedule 

This was a blessing, let me explain. I like to go out into parks and nature that still has enough of an audience and enough of natural dangers that I don't feel comfortable juggling a breastfeeding baby and an active toddler. Sure I could pack a bottle, but then I would have to either train my child to drink cold milk or carry an additional thermos with hot water. 

I was very lucky and blessed that as long as my child was not bored, e.g. we were exploring a lake and there were geese and people fishing and hiking, I was fine. He didn't care for food. And then he adjusted to being hungry when we got home without a change in attitude. And I know why this is happening, we have night feedings and he never goes without although I know that his body can be trained in time. 

No One Told Me Feedings Laying Down Are Easier

It happened by accident with my first. He was laying beside me and just found his way. And that was how I realized that I got a break by feeding while laying down!

Not all babies might like it, I think it depends on the situation. But if it's possible, I will make it happen. 

Using a floor bed was a great way to have this feeding method in our lives because I would just lay next to the floor bed on a cushy fleece blanket and feed my child. 

I am in no way saying it is okay to fall asleep like this, in fact, I think that would be super dangerous if you are on one same uneven surface. There is however, nothing stopping you from relaxing while you are laying down. There are no pillows to arrange, or a comfortable chair to find. There are no muscle aches involved from supporting your child's body in a position conducive to breastfeeding. 

No One Told Me I Would Be Dreading Stopping Breastfeeding

I remember the first few months after I stopped breastfeeding my first child. Everything became better and easier. It was easier preparing for daycare. Then, my day was easier at work because I did not have to break to pump nor judge my food intake. It was easier going places with a bottle or a sippy cup without worrying about finding a quiet corner or a private room. 

I was thinking the second time around would be similar. And again, I was surprised I did not want to move on. I did not want to have easier mornings, better days at work, or easier planning. 

I know that the time is going to come soon enough, but this year has taken my sense of chronological order away from COVID-19 and personal chaos of adjusting to being a family of four. Stopping breastfeeding at the one year mark would force me to admit that my baby is no longer a baby but a toddler. Toddling onward to his next chapter towards independence.

No One Told Me Pumps Would Just Break

A pump is a working breastfeeding Mama's best friend. And I thought that it was a technology mainly free of hiccups. 

Well, I am four pumps in. 

I used the first two while breastfeeding my first baby and now I went through two more with my new one. And it is not the pump's fault by any means. They had just worked really hard. 

 

Not All Pumping At Work is the Same

While I think it would be nice is every working and nursing parent received a safe and relaxing space to pump at work, this simply is not the case across many states. Some parents have even stopped breastfeeding their children because the logistics of pumping at work just didn't work out. 

I have pumped in bathrooms, in restaurants, in designated nursing rooms, in my office, in conference rooms, in my car, and in storage closets.

It is rough out there and you have to adjust. It might mean you have to carry spare batteries because there being no plug, or it might mean just manually expressing milk if a pump is not an option at all. 

Book Review: Montessori From the Start

I wanted to take the time to talk about one of my favorite parenting books. This book is called Montessori from the Start by Paula Polk Lillard and Lynn Lillard Jessen.

As a mother of two, I grow to value this book more and more each day. I think that I reread it twice now and I can honestly say that it was a really good guide for teaching my two children life skills.

It was also the first book and first major resource that I found to include everything from before birth to three years of age. I have framed many resources that I have found on the internet within the timeline and content of this book.

The book content is divided into 10 wonderful chapters that cover an overview of human development from the lens of Montessori education including: the environment of a newborn, gross motor skills, fine motor skills, communication development, and life skills involving multiple sequential tasks.

One of my favorite quotes from the book is on page 18. It summarizes our endeavor as parents, "Today, although some of us enjoy the greatest affluence the world has ever known, we find that developing a home environment that serves the human spirit, a home of beauty, order, and simplicity, remains a very challenging task."

Reading that sentence puts things into perspective. Many adults crave an environment such as this themselves. And to be quite honest, there are a few good habits and life skills that I would like to build on. Everyone keeps learning some things regardless of age. Similarly, as we get older, our environments change potentially in surroundings or the people surrounding us.

I found the beginning chapter covering the preparation of the nursery for the child to be very enlightening and made me appreciate the book immediately. Instead of promoting that themes should be ever-present and all linens should match, or that the latest gadgets are required, this chapter goes back to basics. You are the most important person to your child. Things help, but a child can still be happy and develop a good sense of self with just the basics.

Using this Book with One Child in the Home

My eldest is now almost out of the age range covered in this book and I can confidently say that I have tried the majority of lessons with my child, and the majority of them were helpful.

He got to experience a nursery with a floor bed, a few toys, an adapted mirror, a changing area on top of a refurbished dresser, a rocking chair, mobiles, and a side table for essentials. We did include a humidifier, a fun color on the walls and some other things that were not completely Montessori, but for the most part, it was simple.

I think a lot of people would highly enjoy the middle chapters covering practical life and personal care skills. I can tell you that I had the sequence of "toddler knives" planned out for a long time. And I was a lot more excited than he was when I adapted the Duktig from ikea to allow him to store child sized things and complete child size meal preparation. It was special to watch my child make parts of a meal or make a snack. And I think these chapters guide the parents to allow their children to become more independent than before because it can be a bit emotional to watch your child outgrow a stage.

There were ups and downs following this book. I had tried all of the advice on potty training and it was still hard. Some things will always be harder than others.

Using this Book with Two Children in the Home

I was lucky to have read this book before any of my children were born because I would not have been able to implement anything otherwise. It is hard to manage the needs of two children at once and it is even harder to manage these needs while also teaching them and helping them become more independent people. It is much easier to just take care of them when you are constantly running around. And it is harder to patiently watch your oldest put on a shirt with his head and arm coming out of the collar when his younger sibling is fussing over a toy that he threw just out of his reach.

What I learned was that my at one time useful mobiles now got more attention from my toddler than captivation from my newborn. And as a result, these shapes were often thrown across the room. Likewise, my younger child liked to bite on my older child's animal toys as much as his own teething toys. And my older child was happy to provide them.

Limited intentional lessons, those typically presented on a tabletop, in a basket, or a tray, are now almost seamlessly integrated with the rest of the house. My youngest child has a zone where his lesson items live and that only includes mobiles, teethers, and shapes, while my oldest child has the command of the rest of the house where he knows where everything lives.

So there have been times that required more perseverance than others. It is not easy to be a mom when you are outnumbered and it is not easy to Montessori when you are outnumbered. 

I will cover how I have adapted and implemented the techniques, toys, suggestions, and lessons within this book and others.

Learning Through Meaningful Play with the Russian Alphabet Puzzle

As a disclaimer here, I am not following any tried and true advice regarding bilingual education or any experts on linguistics. I am simply following my child. And for now that is enough of a fun and enriching journey.

I understand that there is so much to a language than the written words themselves. There are contexts, subtexts, intonations, etc. My focus now is to enable my child to read books that he might find interesting. We are a long way from that in any language, but I think finding a fun way to introduce specific letters might be the way to go for my child.

My child is no stranger to alphabet puzzles and had received an English alphabet puzzle for a birthday gift. I wanted him to find both the English and the Russian alphabets familiar because he enjoys being read to in these two languages already. And so my search began.

After window shopping on Etsy, I came across this puzzle from BabyGiftBusyBoards. I loved the fun colors and decided to order it. The puzzle looked like it was made with a toddler or preschooler in mind. The letters are easy to handle for hands that might have fine motor control and dexterity, but still have undeveloped control required for writing.

I was very happy to find a Russian alphabet puzzle with carefully designed letters that were easy to read while also easy for small children to handle. This is easier said than done. The Ё and the Й letters are fundamentally challenging due to the level of detail. I loved the way that the artist incorporated these details into the puzzle.

So far, my child has enjoyed learning about the different sounds that each letter makes. He has completed the majority of the puzzle and I hope that he soon learns that he too can read connected letters that comprise words. But that will have to be a story for another day.

Why I'm Starting This Blog

URSTYLE Link: https://urstyle.fashion/styles/2809336
 

Hi Everyone,

I'm starting this blog because I want to document the how and the why of operating as a working mother in 2020. I want to document my experience and also share this experience with my loved ones at some point.

One big goal that I have is to bring back my sense of life enjoyment. We are in the middle of a pandemic and the many burdens because of it are affecting my family. The little ways include not being able to have playdates or go to playgrounds, and not being able to get together with friends for those already rare in-person sanity checks. The big ways are the increased scrutiny of every environment my family is exposed to and the measures that we committed to in order to give us a sense of safety. Most importantly, this experience has made me realize it is important to do what you want now.

And while knowing that being a parent or a caregiver of any  kind is really hard work, especially with the standards put on us by society and those we give ourselves, I want to use this blog to make things simpler, easier, and more enjoyable. I know that’s easier said than done sometimes and my goal is not to sugarcoat things, but to shift the focus. I’m also an optimist and I believe that most people can reach and surpass their goals given enough preparation and effort.

To be honest, my plans for 2020 have been obliterated, so instead I am going to paint a few broad strokes for goals. The most important one is to embrace everyday instead of leaning into this parenting truth of, “the days are long, but the years are short.”